As a human being I am on a journey to heal myself. As an autism mom my mission is to lead my children in living a healthy happy life with their disabilities. I’m learning that my journey is not separate from my mission. Yet today I struggled with my being. My struggle started this morning after waking up at 10:15am.
When I wake up late with my children I run into a few problems. The moment that I take to get my mind body and spirit centered, in silence, is gone. I now complete my self care routine in the waking presence of my children. I can usually finish my routine when the girls are moving around me. Those moments give me strength resilience and victory. I have the power in me to complete my tasks no matter what. Today as I chose to complete my meditation my youngest child jumped out of bed to sit beside me. I say good morning. And then she started to reach for my phone. I move my phone away from her several times while I’m practicing stillness. She has her quick fix for times she can’t express herself. She screams. She screams so loud that you can feel her vibration at the top of her lungs. Yes that is a real thing. She screams loud enough to stop hearing anything else but her voice. With each breath my child forces her vocal cords to reach the highest pitch.
Most of the time we can work through those moments together,my daughter and I. Sometimes my husband is here to help us both when our emotions are high. Today my Husband went to sleep. He gave my daughter his phone she got quiet and calm. I finished my meditation. I washed my body and brushed my teeth. After I got dressed I realized the mistake that we made. I took the phone away from the girls and started with cleaning the kitchen to make breakfast. From that point I worked myself up to feeling bad that we didn’t have more help. This is my quick fix when I’m in need of some help but I don’t have it. I went back to a mental space that includes me doing everything on my own. I went to an emotional space of not being worthy. Isn’t that the reason that God can’t hear my prayers for me and my children? All that I do to show patience is unnoticed. All the paperwork, appointments, interviews, doctors visits, registrations, IEP meetings seem silent in the universe. I have completed all the work that I can on my end and I haven’t received the benefits of having the assistance needed in my family. I have made requests of my family and no one has answers for what we need. I listen to the direct advice of professionals to no end. I want to know what I am doing wrong so that we don’t have to struggle right now.
Why is this happening today? I am a strong resilient woman. I am a loving mother. I am taking better care of myself. I finally got this meditation to be a habit in my life. Why are my daughter’s screams so different today? I am on path to Greatness. I have my children lesson plans to complete today. I’m opening our family business this month. I’m taking vitamins daily and especially B12 to take care of my energy. What? And Why?